Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
