Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
