I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
either way he was missing a nipple.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
