I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Can I color on your dick again?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
