I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
