I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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