Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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