Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
