i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
