Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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