I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
