We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
