He disabled his match.com account in front of me
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
