just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
