Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dick very happy bro
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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