Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
