What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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