Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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