I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
