Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
