dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
