I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
