It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am one with the molecules
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
