My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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