I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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