she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
