It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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