Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
