the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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