So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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