Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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