I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
