He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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