I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
