the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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