i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
