saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
