Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
