after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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