hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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