I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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