shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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