hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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