At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Are my feet made of real feet?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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