i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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