Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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