At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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