I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
