Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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