It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
